"香港的陷落成全了她。" 一個城市陷落了,似乎就為了成全她們那微不足道的愛情。 |
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"香港的陷落成全了她。" 一個城市陷落了,似乎就為了成全她們那微不足道的愛情。 |
i just finished watching devil wears prada and thinking, how great it would be to live in NY?
and i started looking through the application information of NYU
yeah yeah i know, New York city is the cliché
the dream city of every little girl since sex and the city have been aired
but imagine how exciting
it'll be well too much imagination, i know, just like paris.
looking at those application forms and i was thinking
do i want to be "Somebody " or just somebody?
you may think well being "Somebody" must be the standard answer but is it?
most people just tend to live a normal life and we're all happy about it
I was think, what if, i just graduated, find a ok paying job work my way up, get paid averagely
just being able to go by and take my parents to vacation. get married have kids
t doesn't sound to bad, and i think i'll do ok with my average abilities and diplomas, plus i'm smart enough so guess there won't really be a problem.
Or do i really want to and can i be able to go to graduate school? i mean no MBA or something actually useful and can do something on the résumé, but an english literature degree, or creative writing, or comparative literature.
If i want to do that, i'd have to have the ability, the profession and the determination that i might have to live and eat on that my whole life.
If I succeed, yeepy, if not, i'll just be back to day one.
I know i'm smart, but am i that smart?
I don't know, i've always believed i'm above the average and smarter then most people
i'm just have not yet been discovered and just haven't worked for it.
but is that really true? i don't know. to this point this age, everything seems so complicated and 無奈(how do you translate this word anyway?)
Being in france, i think actually helped me grow up a little. or to be accurate, i'm starting to accept the fact i'm growing up. All these years i've been hiding from that, refusing to grow up. I believed that if we grow up, most of the best quality in men, will be gone. I'm not talking about innocence, our generation aren't born with that. Like creativity, virtue, belief, etc. But refusing it doesn't stop any of us from getting older, and those that were destined to wash away with our years passed, will be gone all the same. And shit happens, the world just don't work the way we want it, and if we want to make it our way, then we just have to hold our tail, try, and believe. I hope He won't be too cruel on us, and i'll stay and live with these thoughts for a longer while, hope they are staying in my head for real.
事情總是越想越複雜,越分析越混沌。
為了要做決定,日日夜夜的想著,卻一直無法維持清晰的思考與平靜的心情來面對。
越想越想要逃避,越想越想要草率隨便做個決定。
只希望這個星期快快過去。
心悸的狀況沒有好轉,只覺胸口好像被緊緊綑綁了千百遍,吸不到空氣。
我又想逃避了。
糟糕,行動模式的制約,混沌的不安感。
一切一切的,都太多了。
太多資訊太多要想的事情,太多的猶豫,太多的渴望太多的不安太多的無奈,太多的可能與不可能。
如果一切都平平順順不需要煩惱不需要奔波不需要瓶頸不需要藩籬不需要破壞不需要介入不需要疑問不需要不需要不需要
那該有多好,那一切的世界該是多麼的美好。
總是嘆著外面世界的over act與濫情,這才覺得是不是根本是我的世界還太小自己真正面對的還太少。
資訊的浮動給了我們世界的大概輪廓,那卻是極度真實又不真實的。
課本上的論辯,文本上的情緒流動,字句中的人性描述我們都可以輕易分析評論還可以交叉比較。
好像自己什麼都懂,世界上的一切情緒皆在我的掌握之中,價值觀思考模式逃不開那自以為完美的邏輯架構。
是阿,或許是可以分析完善交叉比對那些文字上敘述的世界,或甚至是別人的生活別人的感情別人的問題。
但是碰到自己的問題卻完完全全無能為力,懦弱到了極致。
為什麼就不能像自己承認,想逃開這個地方的原因是因為自己的無能,自己的害怕與怯弱。
的確那些冠冕堂皇的理由也很重要也很現實。
但真正最大的推力是不是只是自己怕寂寞呢?
我又想說又想說不是。
當相對,想留下的理由ㄧ個一個越來越強烈。
明明就很討厭成天油膩膩的宵夜街,陳年不變的面孔來去,小到不行的可能性。
這裡可以認識的人,可能性,深度不論廣度應該不比較小。
最終還是要歸到自己,如果不踏出去,中央永遠小而油膩膩,法國永遠孤單而貧瘠。
但,至少台灣,還有人在等著我回來
在這,我不知道我該等待些什麼
最近煙總是抽到一半就開始對它感到反胃,外頭空氣像冰霜,將我凝結在裡面,脫不下來。
室內的氣氛又黏膩的令人動彈不得。
不想看到任何人卻又在被獨自留在家的時候怨恨他們把我拋下。
一個人怎麼可以如此的懦弱呢?
懦弱的讓自己想要大聲嘲笑,卻又懦弱的讓自己想大哭一場。
動彈不得。
何時才能拋下這樣為賦新辭強說愁的我的哀唱?
我,是個多麼難書寫的文字,卻又是多麼難以捨去。
如果沒有了一個我這樣的本位來思考,世界會變成什麼樣?
如果只用這個本位的我來思考又會是個什麼樣子的光景?
沒有"我"的世界和只有"我"的世界各會是什麼模樣,令人難以想像。
胸口的鉛塊逐漸的加重重量,
呼吸越來越稀薄。
腦中的枷鎖,越銬越緊越來越弄越發紫。
究竟何時才能解脫。